When you're being constantly told that he loves you,
that he wants to live all his life together with you,
drinking tea on the front porch with bread rings at 90...
discussing children and sharing the house...
And then he says he's not ready to get married,
you gotta wait... it gets unclear - wait why? what for?
This is the expanded version of the vlog on my YouTube. The foreword found on a woman's thread is totally my case. But I'll talk about it a bit later.
While some months ago I thought the idea about s/o's invitation to move to Europe with him pure insane now I start to search for the area's pictures, and even read Wiki articles on the place. This may be for 2 reasons, either I want to go to a warm country being fed up of permanent cold and grayness outside the window, or subconsciously I really consider the idea of moving to there with him. Or both things simultaneously. But come on who wouldn't want to move to a sunny hot climate after 20-some years of living in a way opposite place?
Then again, the only problem is I don't have a clue how to leave the nest with all I have here and start it anew and alone all of a sudden. I love my motherland while he hates it. But what if this is what god wants me to do - follow my 'love'? But I can't see any signs or proof or even figure out if this love is true. S/o kinda avoids/ignores me 5 days a week neither texting nor calling, then popping up on Friday to spend the night together... which is still unserious after 2 years of relationship, and here's where the forword comes handy - on friday he's all conversation about marriage and mutual life wheres on other days he doesn't even show up, so... how can I trust, rely, follow him?
However, this is not the problem of my love-or-not-love for him. I've gotten used to him, and like I said sexual life is good. At some point I suddenly started to come and now I try to do it regularly. Sex used to be the main problem (bad sex can hardly contribute to a good relationship) but luckily after almost 2 years together it's gotten better so you could call me a satisfied woman, hehe. FYR, I mention '2 years together' which you might take for 2 years of regular sex life together - but this is not what it is. We've been meeting on an irregular basis and hence, no regular sex and thus I couldn't adhere to him, but my first big O happened one morning, unexpectedly, in the spooning position, soon after penetration, to my astonishment. After it, I couldn't understand what and how it happened for quite a while but I began to climax more often. Yeah, I guess it's about habit, getting used to a person, and besides, I quit cheating too, so make your own conclusions.
Yet, parents deem this connection nonsense because marrying/being with someone who's poor as a church mouse is by far a bad decision, let alone flying with him into poverty. Jobless for 2 years, with not a penny to spend on me, no flowers, no presents, so it's rather me who pays... for everything.
But chances are very small I'll meet and love somebody else. I don't even want to. Key phrase.
So I'm thinking, why not? Why not go with him? If he swears love and actually wants to marry me... isn't it what a girl want? And he'll look good in a groom's suit.. and me in a wedding dress ;) And he is just the type of 'tall' I like so you know, appearance-wise, I like him and together, I believe, we look nice. The pictures fit well - this and this. It's all about challenge and change, but do I need this change? I'm so scared because of my health, first off, and divorce, 'cause this too is something I don't want. I want to get married once and spend my life with one person, have children from him, be a whole family.
Dangerous Shampoo
In unrelated news, my idea for the next vlog was reviewing 2 shampoos stimulating hair growth. I'd noticed they do provoke hair to grow faster so couldn't help telling you about them, but yesterday Mom shrank off the moment she accidentally spotted something in my hair. She said I had loads of dandruff. And this considering I don't have dandruff. Simultaneously, I've noticed my head started to itch. I'm not sure if it's the shampoo effect or the hairdresser's fault. I'll not surprised if it's the latter since it's not the first time the salon's staff wrecks my sculp skin with dye and blow-drier ;(I fell ill
One month without swimming and I fall ill. Sick of a cold and runny nose and slight fever, and if it gets worse I won't go to the pool for another week which means a whole month of big money gone to trash. But at least plans for Friday night sound encouraging and joyful: cooking a new dish and hopefully repeat of the previous weekend's night with s/o.Drinking green tea with Swiss chocolate to improve my mood and reading blogs about the town s/o is leaving for... it's a fairytale spot without a doubt. More on it in my following entries since I don't want to make posts long. And I promised to post the recipes of my New Year's experiments, sorry for the delay.
About the Author
I'd rather be thin and dorky than fat and cool
