In this post I talk about the wedding dream about the real life runaway bride I had, as well as why I'm scared to leave home for another country.
I can't recall all the details of the wedding dream but what I remember clearly is the dress and the rings, all looking so old-fashioned I could barely hold back my tears. I was wearing Mom's wedding dress (not that it is ugly, it's just faded and lackluster and... plain) and veil, so I looked like at a Halloween party feeling like a doll in 'Corpse Bride', and the rings seemed to be made of wire, some formless circles. I was supposed to wear all this and stand before other people.
S/o was dressed in a good way, though, just as the rest. His friends too decided to show up, making me feel more uncomfortable. In the end, humiliated to the limit, I turned around and left the whatever-hall-it-was (church?) running away. The dream was accompanied by 'Atticus' by the Noisettes playing in the background, so a music-filled vision too.
I remember s/o came up to me then and as I looked at him his eyes read sorrow. This is the moment that struck me the most, and the one I remember very clearly.
I believe it's a prophetic and thus meaningful dream. All the things I saw in it (the old dress, the hilarious rings) symblolize what I am going to get if I agree to bond my life with R. - poverty and misery. It's a bit harder to find a connection between the song and the dream, but since the lyrics speak of happiness from freedom I associate it with my true decision as I turn around and run away, by this refusing to marry him, choosing independence in the end. The wedding dream proves once again I ought not to marry this person.
God gracious, all I want is find a guy who could help me forget R. so we part ways forever. I'm tired of waiting and hoping. Where and when will I finally meet my love?
Also, I gotta take up swimming regularly to un-stress me as water contributes to good mood tremendously.
Here comes the point I mentioned in the beginning. On the one hand I feel terrible knowing that if I leave I'll have to say goodbye to my parents who I know need my support, my Granny who I love and who won't probably accept this piece of news about my departure, my home sweet home as I'm very home-attached. On the other hand, I really feel I need a change of scenery, s/o promises health improvement which I want so badly and if I stay at home it's unlikely to improve, so it's a stick of 2 ends. Yes there is (hopefully) love for this person and I've developed a strong bond but the fear is gigantic, most of all I'm scared to fall ill and get into hospital there (no it's not a regular cold I'm talking about), in a strange country. Other than these 2 points, there is hardly a thing that stops me. It's not the money issue, nor is it mutual life questions or having to learn the language and getting a job.
I'm starting to read articles on immigration, watch UTube videos, look through beautiful pictures to get optimistic and inspired, spain-spired ;) But whenever another fit of pain in family happens, it gets me down on my knees and I can't imagine leaving home. Will parents be able to cope without me after so many years of life together? Isn't it rude to farewell with close ones when they suffer? How can I fly away knowing one of them might get into hospital? I can't stop caring you know. Besides, parents, as I've told you, are against me and s/o together.
Furthermore, in yesterday's conversation R. made it clear he doesn't hope for my consent to go with him. That phrase threw a dagger into my heart. And we had an argument again because 1) Earlier he had said he couldn't celebrate our anniversary because he was busy with setting up furniture and asked for postponement. 2) Yesterday he said he couldn't go for a walk with me after work as he had a technician fixing his Wifi but the next day he would be able to walk me home. 3) Is it surprising that today he found another excuse stating he had a plumber working at pipes and that's why he wouldn't come and meet me?
All he can think of is Spain and repair, not me. How sad. I told him I too would have to call for a plumber at St. Valentine's Day as no one has examined my pipes lately.
Not bad, what do you think?
Worst part is that he shows how irresponsible and uncaring he is - the traits that turn me away from him and that can no way make me feel safe and rely on him.
I hate myself for not being able to say no to him once and for all. And my damn sex-dependence spoils things too. It's because of sex that I will allow him to come over on weekend. Only thus I feel needed and not alone - but in fact I am.
My wedding dream
Last night I had a weird dream. Not because it was all ragged or I saw aliens, no no, it's because first, it was about my s/o (I never dream about him), second, I was getting married (again, not a wedding dream like this before) and third, I escaped from own wedding ceremony. So a real life runaway bride you could say. I dunno if I should laugh or not because the dream is sad indeed. The way I felt in it, what emotions chased me and the atmosphere, no wonder I woke up upset and confused.I can't recall all the details of the wedding dream but what I remember clearly is the dress and the rings, all looking so old-fashioned I could barely hold back my tears. I was wearing Mom's wedding dress (not that it is ugly, it's just faded and lackluster and... plain) and veil, so I looked like at a Halloween party feeling like a doll in 'Corpse Bride', and the rings seemed to be made of wire, some formless circles. I was supposed to wear all this and stand before other people.
S/o was dressed in a good way, though, just as the rest. His friends too decided to show up, making me feel more uncomfortable. In the end, humiliated to the limit, I turned around and left the whatever-hall-it-was (church?) running away. The dream was accompanied by 'Atticus' by the Noisettes playing in the background, so a music-filled vision too.
I remember s/o came up to me then and as I looked at him his eyes read sorrow. This is the moment that struck me the most, and the one I remember very clearly.
I believe it's a prophetic and thus meaningful dream. All the things I saw in it (the old dress, the hilarious rings) symblolize what I am going to get if I agree to bond my life with R. - poverty and misery. It's a bit harder to find a connection between the song and the dream, but since the lyrics speak of happiness from freedom I associate it with my true decision as I turn around and run away, by this refusing to marry him, choosing independence in the end. The wedding dream proves once again I ought not to marry this person.
God gracious, all I want is find a guy who could help me forget R. so we part ways forever. I'm tired of waiting and hoping. Where and when will I finally meet my love?
Also, I gotta take up swimming regularly to un-stress me as water contributes to good mood tremendously.
Scared to leave home
The point that makes me feel both coward and wanting to leave this country for Spain more is family members' health issues. I barely remember a time when my parents were healthy. It's such a stress when you see your Mom and Dad in pain, and it's fucking always been like this! And therefore I'm fucking fed up of it! And not that they're getting healthier as years go by. Partly I believe my own illnesses are directly connected with their well-being. While I may not show it, it all happens inside, stress and nervousness affect heart and other organs, so is it wonder that I've been all a wreck for the past half a year? I'm exhausted. As soon as somebody falls seriously ill or something bad happens I'm out of my mind.Here comes the point I mentioned in the beginning. On the one hand I feel terrible knowing that if I leave I'll have to say goodbye to my parents who I know need my support, my Granny who I love and who won't probably accept this piece of news about my departure, my home sweet home as I'm very home-attached. On the other hand, I really feel I need a change of scenery, s/o promises health improvement which I want so badly and if I stay at home it's unlikely to improve, so it's a stick of 2 ends. Yes there is (hopefully) love for this person and I've developed a strong bond but the fear is gigantic, most of all I'm scared to fall ill and get into hospital there (no it's not a regular cold I'm talking about), in a strange country. Other than these 2 points, there is hardly a thing that stops me. It's not the money issue, nor is it mutual life questions or having to learn the language and getting a job.
I'm starting to read articles on immigration, watch UTube videos, look through beautiful pictures to get optimistic and inspired, spain-spired ;) But whenever another fit of pain in family happens, it gets me down on my knees and I can't imagine leaving home. Will parents be able to cope without me after so many years of life together? Isn't it rude to farewell with close ones when they suffer? How can I fly away knowing one of them might get into hospital? I can't stop caring you know. Besides, parents, as I've told you, are against me and s/o together.
Furthermore, in yesterday's conversation R. made it clear he doesn't hope for my consent to go with him. That phrase threw a dagger into my heart. And we had an argument again because 1) Earlier he had said he couldn't celebrate our anniversary because he was busy with setting up furniture and asked for postponement. 2) Yesterday he said he couldn't go for a walk with me after work as he had a technician fixing his Wifi but the next day he would be able to walk me home. 3) Is it surprising that today he found another excuse stating he had a plumber working at pipes and that's why he wouldn't come and meet me?
All he can think of is Spain and repair, not me. How sad. I told him I too would have to call for a plumber at St. Valentine's Day as no one has examined my pipes lately.
Not bad, what do you think?
Worst part is that he shows how irresponsible and uncaring he is - the traits that turn me away from him and that can no way make me feel safe and rely on him.
I hate myself for not being able to say no to him once and for all. And my damn sex-dependence spoils things too. It's because of sex that I will allow him to come over on weekend. Only thus I feel needed and not alone - but in fact I am.
About the Author
I'd rather be thin and dorky than fat and cool
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