This is probably going to be a long post since I have a lot to say about the current relationship's trouble situation, but as a good ending to the post there's gonna be a bunch of beach pictures and food photo.
I thought he liked my playfulness and childishness because he had said thus before and wanted a woman with these qualities. But that past weekend he turned my world upside down saying he's fed up of this side of me, that he hates my behaving like a kid and advised me to grow up, adding if he were to find another girl he wouldn't miss my traits of character. Hit with a brick, that's how I felt.
R. also stopped smut-texting me. But this is partly my fault as I would always say I didn't like it. And still, I miss it because I feel, I know he's somewhat grown cooler.. unfortunately. Where my, girl's, love is only flaming up, his, guy's, fades away... and we haven't even lived together, haven't even been together for long enough to get tired of each other. That's not good.
5 nights a week I go to sleep with tears welling into my eyes thinking how damn dependent I am and how I want to end this sucky affair. It's not even a relationship! He'll unlikely act like this man in the picture, that's why having children from him scares the heck of me.
Mom is strongly against me dating R. But you already know this. After the last weekend she said it again, and by the tone of her voice it was clear I'd better really think of a way to stop dating him. Enough, she stressed, he treats you like garbage, and with no plans or at least hints at future together I strongly recommend you to put an end to it.
Yes it's all about sex, sex and sex, this is all we do together, no other things, no mutual trips or as little as pastime spent in the company of each other, no dates at the movies, no rides out of town... just sex. I'm stuck in this swamp and don't know how to get out of it. Damn. She is 100 per cent right and I'm too sex-dependent to quit seeing him. I can virtually feel my brain bursting trying to tell me to quit it once and for all, and heart is finally beginning to listen to the brain and kill the love for R. but the habit, it still remains. The right and single exit is get a new guy, as simple as that. Feel truly loved, needed, feel spring and blossoms bloom inside you, a new romance will fill me with thoughts and hopes and hence ruin old attachment step by step. I so want it!
Speaking more of bedtime, at night I tend to think of the day of proposal. Of course it's all hypothetical and just in theory, and I've been waiting for this for so long (mainly becuase he's been feeding me with (false?) expectations) that I'm tired. No desire to wait longer. We've been planning, re-planning, talking, discussing, thinkng it over for more than a year, yet nothing has happened so far. All his friends have gotten married, have kids while he's still alone. And I'm wasting my time with him. Yes it's solely my fault, it's me wasting my time, not he who wastes mine. I'm tired of spending Saturdays with him, I'm wrong inviting him to come over, again I repeat it's all because I want sex. Sex, not him.
Also, mostly my dreams are about bad situations happening either during the wedding or when s/o is around. Say, recently I've had a vision where he caused damage to my family, he burnt the carpet which led to setting a fire to the house. I can't recall a dream with a different subtext, one where there was no trouble from R., this person is by far not a good object of my dreams.
And as for proposal, I'm afraid by the time it happens I won't want him anymore. Honestly, I want to put a stop to us. He is all hesitation, doesn't know this, not sure about that, uncertain, shaky, unmanly. He still can't decide if he wants me as his life partner, not to mention moving together to another country. One moment he states he hates some traits of my character and can't stand me thus, next moment he says I'm better than many present-day girls and he doesn't want to look for anyone else; one instant he talks about the coming marriage, then suddenly confuses us both by asking if I want to marry at all. Hey, are you crazy, haven't I told you I f*cking wantwantwant to get married? *rolleyes* Too many signs showing me he's not the one but persistently, stubbornly, I wait and wait. God please give me an escape, I can't take it anymore.
About the above-mentioned sms, R. sent me a very painful sentence, 'With you I'm afraid of losing freedom, without you I'm gonna drown in this freedom'. In my interpretation, he still craves freedom, I'm stealing it from him (meeting once a week, ORLY?) and he is not in the least ready for marriage. He doesn't want to devote his time to me, pay attention, care, look after. Wouldn't it hurt a girl the moment she hears it? This is exactly the words I received from him in a text where he noted I had once refused to accept his care and support that's why he doesn't offer it anymore. How lame, how pitiful - and how really offended I felt at that. He's such an infant, it's he the baby who should be looked after and thus I'm not the type of woman he needs as a wife.
On Wednesday I told him I wanted to go drink Coke to McD's with him, he said ok, just remind me unless I forget. Somehow, I feel he won't remember and won't call if I don't remind him. He's gotten indifferent, earlier he'd never forget about small dates like this. Also, he never asks how I'm doing, how my day's been, nor does he contact me in any way. I also told him I had family issues, to which he used to respond with words of support, or offer to come solace me, this time he didn't react whatsoever.
He. Simply. Doesn't. Deserve. Me.
Relationship trouble
This is rather a bunch of thoughts and meditations than a well-put composition. I'm all preoccupied because of 2 things: my desire to be loved and need of new impressions, and s/o's passive approach plus his yesterday's sms. I've told you I had another guy I'll perhaps date, and even arranged our hangout on weekend. He can give me fresh emotions, like a breath of air, while with R. it's all dust and old stuff: he doesn't take me out, doesn't want it in the first place, he forgets about such trifle niceties as a walk, a lovely random gift, flowers, things so important and mundane in a relationship. Furthermore, there arouse a real trouble in this relationship.I thought he liked my playfulness and childishness because he had said thus before and wanted a woman with these qualities. But that past weekend he turned my world upside down saying he's fed up of this side of me, that he hates my behaving like a kid and advised me to grow up, adding if he were to find another girl he wouldn't miss my traits of character. Hit with a brick, that's how I felt.
R. also stopped smut-texting me. But this is partly my fault as I would always say I didn't like it. And still, I miss it because I feel, I know he's somewhat grown cooler.. unfortunately. Where my, girl's, love is only flaming up, his, guy's, fades away... and we haven't even lived together, haven't even been together for long enough to get tired of each other. That's not good.
5 nights a week I go to sleep with tears welling into my eyes thinking how damn dependent I am and how I want to end this sucky affair. It's not even a relationship! He'll unlikely act like this man in the picture, that's why having children from him scares the heck of me.
Mom is strongly against me dating R. But you already know this. After the last weekend she said it again, and by the tone of her voice it was clear I'd better really think of a way to stop dating him. Enough, she stressed, he treats you like garbage, and with no plans or at least hints at future together I strongly recommend you to put an end to it.
Yes it's all about sex, sex and sex, this is all we do together, no other things, no mutual trips or as little as pastime spent in the company of each other, no dates at the movies, no rides out of town... just sex. I'm stuck in this swamp and don't know how to get out of it. Damn. She is 100 per cent right and I'm too sex-dependent to quit seeing him. I can virtually feel my brain bursting trying to tell me to quit it once and for all, and heart is finally beginning to listen to the brain and kill the love for R. but the habit, it still remains. The right and single exit is get a new guy, as simple as that. Feel truly loved, needed, feel spring and blossoms bloom inside you, a new romance will fill me with thoughts and hopes and hence ruin old attachment step by step. I so want it!
Speaking more of bedtime, at night I tend to think of the day of proposal. Of course it's all hypothetical and just in theory, and I've been waiting for this for so long (mainly becuase he's been feeding me with (false?) expectations) that I'm tired. No desire to wait longer. We've been planning, re-planning, talking, discussing, thinkng it over for more than a year, yet nothing has happened so far. All his friends have gotten married, have kids while he's still alone. And I'm wasting my time with him. Yes it's solely my fault, it's me wasting my time, not he who wastes mine. I'm tired of spending Saturdays with him, I'm wrong inviting him to come over, again I repeat it's all because I want sex. Sex, not him.
Also, mostly my dreams are about bad situations happening either during the wedding or when s/o is around. Say, recently I've had a vision where he caused damage to my family, he burnt the carpet which led to setting a fire to the house. I can't recall a dream with a different subtext, one where there was no trouble from R., this person is by far not a good object of my dreams.
And as for proposal, I'm afraid by the time it happens I won't want him anymore. Honestly, I want to put a stop to us. He is all hesitation, doesn't know this, not sure about that, uncertain, shaky, unmanly. He still can't decide if he wants me as his life partner, not to mention moving together to another country. One moment he states he hates some traits of my character and can't stand me thus, next moment he says I'm better than many present-day girls and he doesn't want to look for anyone else; one instant he talks about the coming marriage, then suddenly confuses us both by asking if I want to marry at all. Hey, are you crazy, haven't I told you I f*cking wantwantwant to get married? *rolleyes* Too many signs showing me he's not the one but persistently, stubbornly, I wait and wait. God please give me an escape, I can't take it anymore.
About the above-mentioned sms, R. sent me a very painful sentence, 'With you I'm afraid of losing freedom, without you I'm gonna drown in this freedom'. In my interpretation, he still craves freedom, I'm stealing it from him (meeting once a week, ORLY?) and he is not in the least ready for marriage. He doesn't want to devote his time to me, pay attention, care, look after. Wouldn't it hurt a girl the moment she hears it? This is exactly the words I received from him in a text where he noted I had once refused to accept his care and support that's why he doesn't offer it anymore. How lame, how pitiful - and how really offended I felt at that. He's such an infant, it's he the baby who should be looked after and thus I'm not the type of woman he needs as a wife.
On Wednesday I told him I wanted to go drink Coke to McD's with him, he said ok, just remind me unless I forget. Somehow, I feel he won't remember and won't call if I don't remind him. He's gotten indifferent, earlier he'd never forget about small dates like this. Also, he never asks how I'm doing, how my day's been, nor does he contact me in any way. I also told him I had family issues, to which he used to respond with words of support, or offer to come solace me, this time he didn't react whatsoever.
He. Simply. Doesn't. Deserve. Me.
Beach pictures and food photo
The promise us another MONTH! of below-zero temperature, and I'm f*cking furious! This butt-freezing weather, 2 pairs of tights, hats, fur coats - grrr!!!! The only thing I can save the mood with is beach pictures, so here you are.
About the Author
I'd rather be thin and dorky than fat and cool
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