In this post, I'll talk about my bff, tumblr perfect me, my hubby and post some food photo. No troubled relationship stuff today, thank god.
My bff
First things first. Several years ago when I was still at uni I had 2 bff's, let's call them A. and M. We'd been really good friends, inseparable and all, but some incidents that happened later on finally made me say goodbye to my bff A. Meanwhile M. continued to communicate with A, I didn't. I spent several next years contacting M. but afterwards, our friendship came to an end, even though I still regard our relationship as near perfect as we never quarelled or fought, she was a very nice girl who I respected and truly loved.
Years passed, now we live in different cities and I haven't searched her on the web until the other day when I sudenly dug her on a social site. I'll let you know, for me, M. has always been an example of slim, she went in for sport and was in a good shape while I kept growing bigger, but we'll leave that. So when I spotted her on that site I couldn't believe my eyes - not a trace seems to be left of that sporty fit girl who I looked up at. She is still in a relatively good shape but definitely not what she used to look like. Also, in one picture I saw her with my bff A., which means they are still friends after so many years. A. too is not what she used to be, fatter, plumpier. Time has no mercy on girls indeed.
What was all this rant for?
I explain. Looking through former classmates', uni mates' pics I see how un-pretty they've become. Who used to be hotties with awesome body now can be hardly considered such. Again, no sneer or ill-wish on my part, I'm just stating the obvious. I see how from swans they're growing into.. old swans, haha While who used to be mocked, spat at (me) turning from an ugly duckling into swan. R. too says I am beautiful, it's pleasant to hear rare compliments from him, and I guess he doesn't want me to get back to the old me, appearance-wise, no matter how often he says otherwise. He calls many girls whom he spots in the street, whose pics I show him, fat, but that's because I've gotten real thin.
You can say I'm bragging and show disrespect for chubbier cuties but don't I finally deserve it? Haven't I done enough to boast a little? I want to go yet farther, become fitter, happier, sunnier. I know I'll look better than many girls I've seen in pictures only because I'm slimmer and will look sexier in bikini ;) And during the last walk downtown with R. when we met his friends I hope they didn't find me ugly. I bet I looked pretty enough to deserve nice words.
2/3 of the task complete. I have the job of my dreams (thank god for this!), I aim for healthy lifestyle and dream body. However, the third point including 'dream' is missing.
Thus I logically come to the sub-topic of my hubby. The third point I mean deals with my dream man.
Looks like 90 per cent of the girls I've ever known have already found peace in families of their own. Even ex bff A, even bff M, all hot and plain girls have husbands and kids! While I am in a relationship with my own body... Of course it's amazing that I don't waste time and care for my good looks but these 25 years of loneliness and desire for a stable partnership and undying love seriously scare me. What if I'll never find this 3rd dream component? Or maybe, on the other hand, it's God's plan and he wants me to wait a bit longer, enjoy freedom and independence? I don't know but will believe so.
Years passed, now we live in different cities and I haven't searched her on the web until the other day when I sudenly dug her on a social site. I'll let you know, for me, M. has always been an example of slim, she went in for sport and was in a good shape while I kept growing bigger, but we'll leave that. So when I spotted her on that site I couldn't believe my eyes - not a trace seems to be left of that sporty fit girl who I looked up at. She is still in a relatively good shape but definitely not what she used to look like. Also, in one picture I saw her with my bff A., which means they are still friends after so many years. A. too is not what she used to be, fatter, plumpier. Time has no mercy on girls indeed.
What was all this rant for?
I explain. Looking through former classmates', uni mates' pics I see how un-pretty they've become. Who used to be hotties with awesome body now can be hardly considered such. Again, no sneer or ill-wish on my part, I'm just stating the obvious. I see how from swans they're growing into.. old swans, haha While who used to be mocked, spat at (me) turning from an ugly duckling into swan. R. too says I am beautiful, it's pleasant to hear rare compliments from him, and I guess he doesn't want me to get back to the old me, appearance-wise, no matter how often he says otherwise. He calls many girls whom he spots in the street, whose pics I show him, fat, but that's because I've gotten real thin.
You can say I'm bragging and show disrespect for chubbier cuties but don't I finally deserve it? Haven't I done enough to boast a little? I want to go yet farther, become fitter, happier, sunnier. I know I'll look better than many girls I've seen in pictures only because I'm slimmer and will look sexier in bikini ;) And during the last walk downtown with R. when we met his friends I hope they didn't find me ugly. I bet I looked pretty enough to deserve nice words.
2/3 of the task complete. I have the job of my dreams (thank god for this!), I aim for healthy lifestyle and dream body. However, the third point including 'dream' is missing.
My hubby and us in Spain
Thus I logically come to the sub-topic of my hubby. The third point I mean deals with my dream man. Looks like 90 per cent of the girls I've ever known have already found peace in families of their own. Even ex bff A, even bff M, all hot and plain girls have husbands and kids! While I am in a relationship with my own body... Of course it's amazing that I don't waste time and care for my good looks but these 25 years of loneliness and desire for a stable partnership and undying love seriously scare me. What if I'll never find this 3rd dream component? Or maybe, on the other hand, it's God's plan and he wants me to wait a bit longer, enjoy freedom and independence? I don't know but will believe so.
I've come to a not-so-morally-correct part about my hubby aka R. Of course the word hubby here is used in derogative sense 'cuz what real husband can I be talking about if this is the person who I despise 22 hours a day?! If we return to the question why I may agree to fly to Spain with him - heck, out of vanity and pride, nothing else! I don't pursue high goals or want to become a successful business lady here (because going to Spain means living in poverty and misery, I know) and will be forced to do so only in case I don't find another guy. You've already heard it million times. I'm sorry I'm not gonna change my mind even if R. changes his personality, which sure won't happen. He stopped caring or showing interest at all, everything I hear is infantile remarks, accusations, insults or lie. I don't love him the way a woman ought to love her s/o. I'm sorry, forgive me R. and everyone else, you don't show you love me so what makes you expect I'll love you back? An eye for an eye, your mistreatment breeds nothing but hate in response.
So yeah, the reason for marriage and R. becoming my hubby is my huge vanity, I will look good with him - now think about it, looking good with someone in the picture as the reason for marriage... how incredibly lame! how foolish! wrong!
When I get married I'll create a social site profile at last and let other people (former classmates, uni mates and all else) know what I look like, see me with my hubby and envy like I once envied them. This might sound childish and it does. I wish a good healthy relationship would rid me of the traits I shouldn't already have at my age.
Tumblr perfect me
Also, I look through Xiaxue's Dashiel's pictures, read about her pregnancy, find her pictures she took to the last moment of her pregnancy... I dunno, she looks so thin and beautiful even with this ball of a tummy. Should I drop down to 40 kilos not to look overweight during pregnancy? F*ck, and I'm still around 46kg which is killing ;((
Yes I am f*cking vain and arrogant but who canceled perfectionnism?! What's so bad about aiming for perfection? Come on, after stepping on the weight loss track I've realized it further, I want to remain beautiful, young, childlike for alap, and more, want to retain inner beauty, be nice, kind, good. There's absolutely nothing bad about wishing to look and act good and thus get flattery/compliments for it. I do it for own good, with good intentions, without wanting some benefit or advantage.
This doesn't mean I don't have insecurities or am not a bitch. Judging by what R. says, I'm permanently bitchy and bad, but his pov shouldn't concern me. If dear ones choose to treat/call you bad, do not give in to their words, work at your personality, trust your veiws, become the person you will fall in love with. Respect yourself, act morally right, don't fall under the influence of negative people who dare insult you. This is my credo. What I stick with. The way I follow. My concept of perfect.
To me, Tumblr perfect doesn't only mean cool beach pictures, self photos in trendy clothes, beautiful shiny long hair, sexy images of me and my bf - it's about personality too! Tumblr perfect girl should be gorgeous from inside, and this, I'm heading to.
As a small afterword, I still dislike my Blogger. I've gotten used to posting in it alright, I like how it works, but the layout I have installed still bugs me. I remember R. said he'd help me create the design but, as his habit, this didn't mean to turn real. I long for vintage style template, probably like my sex Tumblr, nothing extraordinary. So maybe one day I'll get down to developing a better design, or another option, proceed to another blog platform, or even my official site, so anyway please be ready to see the 'I'm moving' message ;) I want more popularity of my weight loss blog, after all, like that of my just-created Tumblr after only 2 months of blogging.
Food photo
About the Author
I'd rather be thin and dorky than fat and cool
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